Mid-year Feels

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Mid-year. Yeah, not quite mid-year, since it's already the end of February now. But things just happen way too fast, it feels like I can't keep up with anything at all.

Why is it February already?

Do I want to go back? Do I want to stay? Either way I have to come back on June, but I really can't tell how I feel.

My host mother told me that I will always be welcome. If I happen to enter a university in New York someday, I will always be welcome to stay at their house. My host family is so nice, I love them so much.

But how do I feel about this? Do I want to go back, as in the near future? Do I plan to go back? As a student, or a tourist, or when I've become rich with my business rolling around the world?

I just can't decide how it feels. It feels awkward to think that the exchange year almost end, but you're not quite at the end of it yet. You feel the urge to leave because you miss your old-world, but you want to stay in this newly born world, too.

Things that make me want to go back

My friends. Yeah, it's kinda mean to put them first before my own family (sorry Mom) but really, this is mainly because one of my former classmate just died two days ago. She was younger than me, and was supposed to have her 17th birthday this March. She was ran over by a truck while she was on the motorcycle with her brother driving, and she died. Just like that. It's not because of a sickness, it's not because of something we would ever think might cause her to die. Motorcycle is a transportation vehicle, not a suicidal type of thing. I ride motorcycle everyday back and forth to school. I didn't die. The news was really shocking and unbelievable. It's hard on everyone that knows her. But it mainly is hard for me because, as an exchange student, you cannot come and go to your country at will. Not to mention it would cost a lot.

In my school in Indonesia, when a student or teacher dies, everybody will come to his / her funeral regardless of it being a school day. The entire school will grieve, and the students and teachers will set out to the funeral after the first 7 o'clock bell rings. Only after that will they come back to school and continue the class. It's really sad that my friend died while I was here, and I couldn't come to her funeral together with my schoolmates and teachers. It's just way too sad. Were she a part of my family, I would have gotten a free airplane ticket back and forth to Indonesia because she is a family. In this case she is "just a friend", and of course it "has nothing to do with me". At this point I'll make it clear that I'm not blaming the exchange program at all, they do the right thing. But it's just... sad.

My family. I really didn't expect myself to ever miss my family in my exchange year, honest. I was growing tired of my own family at some point (LOL, I know it seems really teenage-typical problem-like), and even if I don't ever hate them, I just didn't think I'd miss them, either. I'm the oldest daughter of the family. I have two younger brothers, and I barely put any attention on them before I went here. It just feels awkward, since I'm the only girl and they are boys, and I just didn't know what to do or say. But when you went out of the country and do not see them for a while, you just realize that "oh my God I haven't even seen him on the eyes before I go". It feels terrible as an oldest sibling, I feel really bad. It makes you feel like you want to go back there and say, "Hey, I'm your sister, and I'm back. Let's play a game together again sometime, like when we were little."

The same goes with my mother and father. We are kinda awkward as a family, or at least that's how I see it. There aren't a lot of hugs, and things doesn't go smoothly. There are a lot of misunderstandings unsolved when I went here, makes me feel like I was running away from it by going here. When you don't see them for a while, you just kinda snap at it and realize that somebody has to admit some things, in order to smooth everything over again. It makes me wanna go back and say to my parents, "Hey, I'm your daughter, and I'm back. Let's have a dinner together sometime, like when I was little."

Sniff, sad stuff.

Let's talk about happier stuff that make me wanna go back.

Oh. My. God. FRIENDS!!!

Yeah, it's about friends again. But this time it's about the happy things we did together. Especially for my school clubs, I miss doing things together with you guys. I miss the warm and cheery atmosphere, doesn't matter if our conversation contains tear-jerking things in it, you are the ones who made me smile on those hard times. Not intended to rhyme, really, but that's how it was. It's kinda sad that some of you will be graduating once I got back, but whatever, friends are forever.

"Friends are forever" doesn't sound promising, I know, but I actually maintained a close relationship with my middle-school friend who went to an Islamic boarding school where Facebook and texting are not permitted. There ya go. I'm not your typical "besties 4 evaaah" kinda girl, if I say I wanna remain close with you, then I will do it, without staining it with nonsensical "where you go, I go, and if we can't go together, I will forget about you forever".

By the way, the "where you go, I go" thing up over there is what happened with many teens nowadays, in case you didn't know.

Things that make me don't want to go back

Host family. It's like a... family, you know. Ah, whatever, I'm not gonna waste my time explaining this. If you wanna know how it feels, go ahead and become an exchange student! :D

What I can say is that, having a family is nice. Regardless of your (and probably my) teen drama, it is nice to have a family. Imagine if you have twice as much, how nice would it be? Yeah, twice as nice! And I mentioned that they told me I'm always welcome, right? It just feels so nice, like that.

My (new) friends. You know, on the mid-year kinda time, you feel like you have known them a little bit better than before. When you first came here you were overwhelmed with even the simplest stuff, all the time, 24/7. And these friends are the ones who constantly helps you. And now that you've stayed with them a little bit longer, you feel like you know them better, but not enough yet. You wanna spend more, and more, and more of your time with them, to know them even better. But you know that you can't.

Well, physically, that is. The Internet is powerful to maintain friendship, you know. But still.

International friends. I know befriending Americans is basically "international", too, but what I mean here is befriending other exchange students. They come from a lot of countries scattered around the world, and stayed together with you in a strange place. They are the ones who understands what you're going through, much more than anyone else. They are so precious to me, I don't wanna leave and say goodbye to them. I want us to stay like this, in our little area group, doing group activities together, talking about nonsense, and playing games together.

I just don't wanna leave this new, strange world yet.

Fortunately...

I still have time. Like I said, I'm on the middle of the year. I still have time to do things that make me don't wanna go back, and I still have time to get over things that make me wanna go back right now. So it's okay. Everything is okay, and under control.

My two worlds will never merge, I know, but to all of you I can say this:

"Let's meet again sometime."